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[Feb. 11th, 2012|08:01 pm] |
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I tried to cut myself with scissors, I burnt myself with a match, and I stabbed myself with a screwdriver. Any other good ideas how to draw blood? |
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[Dec. 8th, 2011|05:14 am] |
I wish I was dead. I wish I would have a heart attack of a stroke or God strike me down dead. I wish I had a gun so I could shoot myself in the head. I don't want to go on living anymore.
I think one of the worst things to tell someone when they are depressed is that you have it so much worse than they do. That they have a reason to be sad and you don't. That just makes you feel like shit all over again. Maybe its better to not to have any expectations then you will never be disappointed. |
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[Nov. 19th, 2011|10:23 pm] |
I never thought I would be this type of person. I never thought I would do this, but I did and I can't take it back.
I don't know who I hate worse: the person that I was, or the person I have become. I think she is the same person, but I like to think that something has changed within me to make me do the things I did. I was angry before. Much angrier. Now I feel like I am able to vent that anger somewhere. I think about death everyday. I heard someone died that I knew recently, and it didn't make me feel happy, but it made me feel. It made me think. I almost feel jealous that he died. I wish it was me. I am not saying I want to kill myself. Well, maybe it does, but I could never go through with it.
Who am I? What have I become? Have I become better, or have I fallen? Am I irredeemable? I don't think I believe that. The one thing that brings me comfort is I know everything happens for a reason. There is hope. |
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| Gone |
[Apr. 6th, 2011|03:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Paige is no more. It actually made me sad to know all the things we had built together were gone. Now, I have a large broken house by myself with no working exit. Literally, trapped within a prison of my own making. Funny.
I think I'll persist though. Even if I can't stay for long, I can't let go of all the things I've built and the occasional pleasant memory of our past.
Maybe one day, I'll actually get over it...
Though I can't understand how all that work could be abandoned. I guess that's just another difference.
I truly do hope you are doing well and sometimes I miss our time together. |
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[Dec. 7th, 2010|04:45 pm] |
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I was afraid if I put this on my site, I would get yelled at or looked down on or something like that. I do not see a problem with weed. I wish they would not make any of the weed substitutes illegal like they are doing now. I just think it is the stupid federal government trying to control everything. Really don't like the DA. |
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[Nov. 9th, 2010|03:54 am] |
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I never thought I would have done this. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I did, but at the same time it doesn't. Its not like I am doing anything really illegal, but I am. I almost feel bad, but I don't. |
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| Meh. |
[Sep. 24th, 2010|05:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
I miss you sometimes. To be honest, it really sucks. I thought we were going to make it through everything. This relationship was going to last longer than any of my other ones and it was going to be grand. We made each other laugh. We'd been there through the hard times. Then, you shut me out. You completely shut me out and replaced me with somebody else, someone who didn't care about you the way I did. Someone you barely knew. It really, really sucked. I tried to rise above it and be by your side anyway, but that didn't work. You just kept pushing me and even allowed that other person to belittle me. I couldn't take that. I just couldn't. Sometimes, I even tell other people about the good times we shared. I tell them about the fun adventures we've had and all the jokes. I really did believe for awhile that this was going to be different, but then again, we weren't really ever honest with each other, were we? You never let me be there for you. Instead, it all became about being overly dramatic/over the top. I can't fault you for that all the time. I just wanted you to be honest with me. Truly honest. I didn't want to be the last to know when something important happened in your life. I didn't want to feel like the clunky third wheel when you insisted on having that other person stay. It would have been nice to share a couple moments like the old times. You really hurt me, you know that? It really hurt alot, so yeah, I cut you out of my life. I didn't feel comfortable telling you about the important things in my life anymore. Alot has happened and sometimes, I wanted to talk to you, but I talked myself out of calling. You don't care anymore anyway. I wasn't important enough to fight for. We just got angry instead. You fought for the wrong person, you know that? Or at least, that's my opinion. You think differently, I'm sure and that's fine. It's your life. I don't even hate that person anymore. They're actually pretty alright. I made my peace with them last year. We probably could even be friends now. I just didn't like the person you became around them. I didn't want to lose you and I did anyway, so what does it matter?
I'm not really sure why I thought to write all this. I thought I'd forgotten how it felt, but I guess I hadn't. I guess I still think about it sometimes. I guess I just wanted you to know why things have ended this way. I can't stand the thought of being let down like that again. I'm not sure if I'd ever be able to trust you. I can't put myself through that again. Though, it doesn't really matter, does it? I've got my life and it's going fairly swimmingly. You've got yours and I'm sure you're doing swell.
All I really want to leave you with is that, I really did consider you one of my closest friends. I wish you all the best in everything you do and that all your dreams come true. I'm sorry I won't be there to share any of them. Take care. |
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| What to do... |
[Jul. 3rd, 2010|02:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
What should one do, if they've so many things going for them, but they feel as though they are worthless and unwanted? What if they felt they could disappear and never be missed because the other quiet kid is fucking hilarious and their roommate takes over everything and they wonder if it'd be best just to disappear or just die.
This is the first time in a long while I've really felt this depressed. I think it's because I am so far from my security netting. There isn't much reason to continue. Hopefully, it will pass, but at this time I just miss so much and don't see any reason for existing right now. I'm just a number... a number that goes uncounted. |
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| Funhouse |
[Jun. 7th, 2010|11:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
"This used to be a funhouse, but now it's full of evil clowns. It's time to start the countdown; I'm gonna burn it down."
-Pink |
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[Mar. 22nd, 2010|03:37 pm] |
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I stabbed myself with a plastic fork today. It felt good. |
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[Dec. 27th, 2009|06:45 am] |
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I know I am beautiful person, for I am human, and we all have our own type of beauty. If I know this, why is it hard to remember? |
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| Bah |
[Dec. 16th, 2009|11:19 am] |
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Why is every place the same. No matter where I go... who I meet... it is all the same. Same stores, same structures, same politics. All the same. I'm not sure what I'm doing with myself. |
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[Aug. 4th, 2009|06:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
I just want to do something right by you for once. I wish I could be myself and be what you wanted at the same time but I guess that's never going to happen...so now I'll just spend my time trying to be what you want until everything is said and done and I can move on with my life.
I didn't want to be a disappointment...but I guess I don't know how to be anything else in your eyes... |
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| Letter to a dead friend still living |
[Mar. 15th, 2009|08:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
Dear MCS
There are some things I'd like to talk with you about. It has been almost a year since the last time I saw you I think. I also think I've lost track. my point is that some people have a conscience that wont rest until a certain event happens. In my case I wish to talk with you and make peace, end this feud that caused you to stop talking to me. as long as you refuse to talk, the argument continues. I wish for something like the following to happen:
me: I want to understand how you think I did you wrong
you: You did this this and that.
Me I am sorry for those things. this is how I saw those things, and this was my original intent. I am sorry it it was misunderstood. can you forgive me?
You: yes
me: thank you. This is how you did me wrong....
You: I am sorry for those things. this is how I saw those things, and this was my origonal intent. I am sorry it it was misunderstood. can you forgive me?
me: yes.
then we shake hands, hug, and be on our way. after that I'd like to continue to repair our friendship, but that is also far fetched, and I think it is more likely that I'll not hear from you after that. and while unfortunate, and lest there wont be any bad blood between us any more. I say you are dead, because the only way I can reason your behavior in my mind is to say you are dead to me. But I want you to live again, I want you to be alive.
signed NDJ |
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| thanks for being a friend... |
[Feb. 10th, 2009|12:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
I want to be a good friend, but I feel like I failed. I saw some of the disasters coming awhile back, but I stepped out of the way as my friend took on all the problems like a deer in oncoming traffic, because I knew he'd hate me if I told him how I felt about it. If I said the guy was an ass and if I'd gone and confronted the guy to begin with, maybe this could have all been avoided and all it would have cost me was my friendship... at least it wouldn't have come to this, the way things are now. I felt protective and I would have taken whatever damage I could have to keep my friend safe, but I knew he didn't want to be saved. He wants to wallow in self-indulgant pity. I've been in a similar place... I know how it feels. There's no way to reason with someone in that place and it's one of those things that goes over with time and experience and self-confidence. I know how it is to think that you're hideous and, hey, why would anyone ever want to see your naked body? It's all mis-shapen and ugly, so no one is doing to want you. No one is going to think you're attractive. It's a very unsafe mindset. You end up doing things you wouldn't do if you knew better. You end up letting people get too close to you, physically, emotionally. You end up in a situation where you wonder if you've made a life altering mistake. Sometimes, you get lucky, and sometimes, not as much. It's all about realizing that the cards you've been delt are only one round in the game. There are alot more hands coming and next time, you might have the right cares. I guess that's why I haven't killed myself yet over my mistakes. The more mistakes I make, the less pressure I feel, the more I realize that I have infinitely more chances, sometimes in directions I didn't originally consider.
I've got secrets I could say, things that could be confessed to show how many mistakes I've made, but I probably won't ever really explain them. I just know that, without knowing all the details as to why I was going to take my own life, I had a friend who kept me from doing it, when I was on the brink of complete loneliness. I don't think he knows that he's the reason I'm still alive today. I really wish I could help him now... when he needs me most, but I don't think he wants me anymore. I've finally found so many reasons to live and enjoy life, no matter how much shit comes my way, and all I can do is watch as he sinks below the surface. I keep feeling like his off-handed comments and snide remarks are meant to keep me at a distance... never close enough to heal his wounds. My prayers are with him, even if I can't be. |
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| Does he make you high... |
[Feb. 1st, 2009|06:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | worried | ] |
I always thought that, if this should ever happen to me, I'd be pissed at the guy for throwing a fit over something stupid...but all I can think is that I'm the bad guy in the situation that that it's my fault for making the joke to begin with.
I would never actually sleep around while dating someone. Telling him that I was going to go jump some other guy was just a sarcastic comment, but he took it seriously and now I don't know if he'll ever really forgive me.
I feel like and ass...
I'm sorry... |
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[Jan. 16th, 2009|02:51 am] |
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It's been 10 months. I might actually make it a year this time. Habits are hard to break but there is hope. I keep wanting to give up, to just do it. It seems like it would be helpful and get rid of tension and make things seem clearer, or at least stop the panic depressed feeling. But I remember this trap. I want to make it out completely. If nothing else, I wanted people to know I've made it further out than ever before when trying to stop. And I might make it the rest of the way. Even if no one knows what I'm talking about. I hold hope that putting it in words will be enough to keep me going. |
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| Let's talk about sex |
[Nov. 30th, 2008|12:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  horny | ] |
I want to have sex. I do not lack a willing partner, but events have occurred such that I cannot have sex. I keep being promised sex, but I get none. I know that a relationship is about give and take, and it is NOT meant to be all about the sex, but how should I feel when I was asked two weeks ago to prepare certain parts of my body for certain pleasurable acts and yet those acts have not happened? Then, I get empty promises of when such acts will happen... even though I now will be in pain for the next few weeks because of a simple request two weeks ago. I don't want to go thru this again. I'm tired of it. I don't ask for what I want, either, which is what makes matters worse. I don't want to force anything... or be too demanding. It seems too selfish. It seems like I'm asking for things I don't deserve to have. I want to feel this expression of affection, but then I'm filled with crippling guilt over how I've been acting. I keep wanting to jab a knife in my heart. Suicide is selfish too, but then I won't be bothering anyone with these urges anymore. Then I realize that it's a stupid reason to kill myself and I'm racked with guilt over the fact I'd kill myself about this without asking for simple things to remedy the problem. I'm a mess. I'm a horrible partner and I know I'm not attractive, but I know that I'm loved, yet I haven't been shown certain kinds of affection recently, and it makes me question myself. My hormones are a mess. It's all just a pain in the ass and I know it shouldn't matter, but it should matter because good love relationships involve sex. Healthy amounts of sex (not too little, not too much) and yet here I am, obviously thinking there's too little, but also thinking that in the long run, maybe I've already gotten too much, which is why I'm now in this place. I think I might be addicted to sex... and I don't want to admit that I am. |
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| Astray |
[Nov. 15th, 2008|11:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
These thoughts I have been having are strange to me. I'm having unfaithful thoughts in my relationship, but it's not about sex. I'm thinking about another person who seems to be my mirror image, but with all the good traits that I seem to lack from time to time. I want to be with them more than I have, but I don't necessarily want to have sex. I don't even want this relationship to get to that point. I just sort of want this person to be there. But, I'm not sure if I just want then as a close friend or if there's more to it. I want to kiss this person, and hold thos person... there's just some sort of chemistry there, where I don't mind being close to them in a snuggling sort of way... I almost always try to steel the ability to touch this person, when possible. It's just seems... right. But, we both have people we care about. I keep wondering if I should voice my concerns and thoughts, and see what happens, but I'd have more to lose if I did, and even if they felt the same way, I'd be hurting another person the same way I've been hurt if we decided to give things a try. We'd be hurting two people. I don't even know if this person even thinks of me this way, too. Probably not. More than likely, I've read too much into it, again. I know that thoughts like this are not uncommon for people. I had a friend who began to question when she realized she was going to be married to the person she was dating. Life is too short to let an opportunity to be truly happy slip away, but it's too short to lose good friends due to some whim of fancy. I've lost too many friends due to these whims, but I've managed to lose those that I didn't act on either. I want to ask, "Have you ever thought about me as more than just a friend?" but it's not worth it to complicate the whole thing. I still love my partner. I love them very much. When things are going well for our relationship, it feels good, almost magical. When times are bad... it's bad. I need to decide if I can deal with the yo-yo of this, or if I should try something more stable. Something less turbulent. I need to figure this out before I accidentally destroy more relationships than I can build. |
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| Person-in-the-middle |
[Nov. 13th, 2008|11:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
I hate the person my friend is with. They say that they're happy, and I'm trying really hard to stay out of their way so they can let it devolop, and all I want is to see my friend happy. Really. That's why I'm staying out of it. I just don't think that this thing, is healthy for them. They're going to fail at their goals for someone who doesn't even care enough to actually say if they like them or not. The person you care about shouldn't want to make you fail. I know. I've been there.
This person that they are falling for is a bitch, at least in my eyes. Obviously, my friend sees this person with a different set of eyes than mine, perhaps with a rosey tint. But, I don't think this person is very respectful and that bothers me. I've never wanted to hurt someone so bad simply for being the jackass this person is. If my friend didn't like this person, I'd have probably broken their arm, simply so they could devolop some character and a little respect for others. Bitch.
I'm trying to keep my jealousy in check. I know I've been replaced already. I accept it because it's obvious which side of the fence I'm on. I actually thought about calling this friendship quits. I never fight for anything anyway, so why should this be different? I'm an outsider and I'll never understand, I get it. I'm not dark or tormented enough, even though I've kept a few secrets I won't ever tell my closest friends (mostly because close friends are always replaced in a matter of years). I think that this one is the longest close friendship I've kept. Something like 3-4 years... that's better than my record of 2 years. Maybe if I started counting in dog years, it'd be less depressing.
So, I've been replaced, which is natural. I'm jealous, also natural. I'm giving up. If anyone actually knew me, they'd know it was only a matter of time. I'm giving up because I don't want to cause any friction in this little triangle we've been playing out. I don't want to act like I'm best buds with this bitch who won't even say a nice thing to me or stop hinting in ways that hurt my friend. I'll get too protective and my friend will hate me anyway. Why not now? I care about my friend more than they'll probably know, but I knew this was doomed ever since we began to use the phrase "best friend"... it always is.
It's down to me or it and we both know it wins.
I really do hope you find happiness, but I don't think I can still hang around and watch someone use you in a way that will only leave you hurt. I'm sorry. I guess I'm not a good friend afterall. |
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